Is that a weird opening? Probably, but I don’t know how else to start. I am a nameless, faceless employee of the THfantaC Scouting and Analytics team, tasked with pioneering new research techniques for analyzing game film. In conjunction with the corporate overlords of Football Absurdity, I have come to present to you my findings on Will Levis, a QB prospect in the upcoming NFL Draft.
Levis is a polarizing talent. On one hand, he surely seems to be a lock to be picked in the top 10 a month from now. On the other hand, his tape kinda… sucked? We here in the THCSA decided the best way to evaluate his game would be to re-watch his film (on psychedelics). What follows is a game-by-game scouting report, from the eyes of someone tripping. I’m still tripping, as a matter of fact.
We started about an hour after ingestion when I couldn’t focus on the book I was reading and started wondering if Phish was actually good. I knew it was time.
Round 1: vs. Florida (2022)
His picture in the media guide makes him look like he’s disappointed in me, so we have that in common.
A lot has been made about Will Levis’ intangibles, but I think there’s one that goes unmentioned: he is simply elite at drawing personal fouls. He’s constantly getting wrecked in the pocket or putting his pass catchers in a position to be America’s Next Top Defenseless Receiver. Any GM or offensive coordinator planning on running a penalty yardage-focused attack should be targeting Levis. Targeting. Get it?
He has incredible arm strength. His deep ball is magnificent. That’s a fun word to write. Magnificent.
HE DREW ANOTHER ROUGHING THE PASSER PENALTY. YOU CAN’T COACH THIS, FOLKS.
He threw a ball that hit the line judge and then on the next play the ball bounced off his WR and was caught by another receiver. Football rules.
Round 2: vs. Ole Miss (2022)
Todd McShay looks like a guy that yells at waiters. You don’t want that guy vouching for your character.
I should’ve taken mushrooms and watched RB tape instead. All these incomplete passes are killing my vibes. He’s also so late on his reads that I bet he throws a TON of picks in Madden. Once again, another thing we have in common!
Round 3: vs. Georgia (2022?)
There was no sound in this video so it was fucking terrifying.
His short passes in this game were unusually crisp, which offset the Hitchcockian nature of the video. He threw a bad red zone interception but made a nice tackle 50 yards downfield, maybe he could look into being a linebacker?
I’m enjoying my time so far because though his short throws are off-target, late, or otherwise shitty, his deep ball is gorgeous and incredibly aesthetically pleasing for those of us in the crowd on psychedelics.
I S W I L L L E V I S M A T T L E I N A R T
Round 4: vs. Miami (OH) (2022)
He drew another personal foul! I’m telling you: YOU CAN’T COACH THAT
He throws those bad interceptions. You know the ones, the “my receiver has already thrown his hands up and given up on the play because the ball was so bad even though the DB hasn’t even secured the ball yet” interceptions. As a fan of chaos, I’m loving this.
Round 5: vs. Mississippi State (2021)
I’m unbelievably happy to see Wan’Dale Robinson here. Rest up, my short king!
This article really should be more about how much Wan’Dale Robinson rules.
Round 6: vs. Tennessee (2022):
Nope. nope nope nope nope
Vibe levels are at an all-time low.
Round 7: vs. Missouri (2021)
I was getting depressed. The vibes needed a rest. I turned on the string lights and queued up a game from 2021, trying to get Wan’Dale back on my tv to restore the vibes. It worked!
It kinda worked for Levis too, but the interception he threw was absolutely his fault. Let’s not make excuses for poor behavior here.
WHEN HE THREW A DEEP BALL TO WAN’DALE I GASPED AUDIBLY.
I had to tap out here, after game seven. The vibes were (and still are) a mess. Will Levis is hard to watch on psychedelics. As I started to type these notes out, thunder hit, and I think that’s reasonable. Ominous storm clouds sit over the game film of a guy that struggles and will struggle at the next level.
With strong coaching and a good system, Levis might be a good QB, but he will never be chill, and ultimately that’s the greatest condemnation of his character. You can be the type of motherfucker to hit WRs in stride, or you can be chill, but you can’t be both. Ultimately, Will Levis is neither.
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