The first week of the 2018 NFL season is in the books, which means it’s time to flail wildly and make baseless assumptions as to how the rest of the season will go after literally the smallest sample size possible. Here are the 2018 Week Two NFL Power Rankings. These are all you need, as they won’t change all season and are as good as money in the bank. Forget the ones I had last week… those were just a misfire.
Week Two NFL Power Rankings
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Notes |
| 1 | 4 | Los Angeles Rams | They still have the same Rams DNA, but the new faces took a bit of time to integrate week one. |
| 2 | 3 | Minnesota Vikings | Dismantled the Niners and looked incredible in every single facet (except the O-Line). |
| 3 | 2 | New England Patriots | An ugly win is still a win and their division is still the AFC East. They’ll bounce all around the top three before ending up at #1 in week seven and staying there. |
| 4 | 1 | Philadelphia Eagles | They benefitted from the Falcons continuing to not realize you need to cross the goal line. BDN Foles is officially back to Rams Foles (remember him?!) |
| 5 | 6 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Managed to win without Leonard Fournette, but does it count against a Giants team that doesn’t look any less atrocious than last year? |
| 6 | 7 | New Orleans Saints | More concerning than losing to the Bucs is that the defense let them nearly hang a 50 burger on them. |
| 7 | 8 | Green Bay Packers | Aaron Rodgers is a god. |
| 8 | 5 | Pittsburgh Steelers | You tie the Browns, no matter the circumstances, and you drop some spots. |
| 9 | 11 | Carolina Panthers | The defense destroyed Dak. Cam crushed the Cowboys. |
| 10 | 17 | Kansas City Chiefs | Good God Tyreek Hill is a monster. |
| 11 | 21 | Washington | I underestimated this team, or are the Cardinals just that bad? |
| 12 | 19 | Baltimore Ravens | Did what great teams do against godawful teams and blew the Bills the heck out. |
| 13 | 9 | Los Angeles Chargers | The early season curse leaves these dummies in a hole bigger than their weird single-story stadium every single year. |
| 14 | 10 | Atlanta Falcons | Dear Atlanta: The End Zone Line is permeable. Try it. |
| 15 | 18 | Chicago Bears | The first half Bears belong in the top-five. The second half belong in the bottom-five. |
| 16 | 15 | San Francisco 49ers | Handsome James Garoppolo had what might go down as the worst game of his career and they only lost by eight to a Super Bowl contender. I see you. |
| 17 | 14 | Indianapolis Colts | Having Andrew Luck gives you a chance, but that’s pretty much all the Colts showed they have in game one. |
| 18 | 25 | Cincinnati Bengals | Colts vs. Bengals might have been the platonic ideal of a matchup between just okay teams. |
| 19 | 30 | Oakland Raiders | They sat tied with the Rams through 14:59 of three quarters a week after trading Khalil Mack… and that’s just wild, man. |
| 20 | 27 | Denver Broncos | If only Case Keenum could be one of the most efficient quarterbacks at a high volume they will be fine. If only. |
| 21 | 22 | Seattle Seahawks | These aren’t your daddy’s Seahawks. |
| 22 | 32 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | I mean… what was THAT?! |
| 23 | 16 | Tennessee Titans | Delanie Walker: Dead. Marcus Mariota: Probably Dead. Derrick Henry’s 2018 Outlook: NOT GREAT BOB. |
| 24 | 12 | Houston Texans | Deshaun Watson turning back into a pumpkin oh gee oh wow whoever could have seen this coming. |
| 25 | 20 | Detroit Lions | Absolutely dismantled by the J E T S at home on Monday Night Football. Defense was terrible, running game was trash, yet somehow Matt Stafford was the worst part. |
| 26 | 13 | Dallas Cowboys | The offensive line, arguably the best part of the team, is an absolute mess. Unfortunately… It’s still the best part of the team. |
| 27 | 28 | New York Jets | Sam Darnold presses it way too much, but we knew that. The defense crushed the Lions. |
| 28 | 26 | Miami Dolphins | At some point in the future, the game between the Titans and the Dolphins will end, but the 2016 Democratic Primary will still not be over. |
| 29 | 24 | New York Giants | They are who we thought they were. |
| 30 | 31 | Cleveland Browns | Tying the Steelers is the second best ending to a game that Hue Jackson has had in Cleveland. |
| 31 | 29 | Arizona Cardinals | Holy mother of God, they are bad in every aspect of the game except David Johnson (who they hardly used). |
| 32 | 23 | Buffalo Bills | Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa. How do you lose by more than 40 and you can’t even make it look that close? |
