Well, well, well… The New England Patriots. Time to strip this roster of all of its components and burn it down to the ground. Wait… what’s that? All that matters is Tom Brady? And he’ll never die? And Bill Belichick might put his best fifteen players (less Tom Brady) on this list just to rebuild the roster from AFC East cast-offs like he has for the last two decades? And God is dead? And Tom Brady would have drunk his blood but it wasn’t on his wacko diet? Fine, here’s the Patriots disaster draft.
Lost to Free Agency: Nate Solder, Malcolm Butler (define “lost”), Rex Burkhead, Danny Amedola, Dion Lewis, the pact with the Devil?
The No Doubters:
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Tom Brady | QB | $22,000,000 | $22,000,000 | UFA | – | – |
Literally, only one player is 100% vital to the Patriots, and that is the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the beginning and the end. The last remaining Football God is the only player the Patriots absolutely need, and given the Patriots’ penchant for changing everything about their game on the fly, he is the only one who is an absolute no-doubter, as long as he wants to play. In five years, he’ll either rule us all… or we’ll be dead by his hand.
The More-Than-Likely Staying:
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Stephon Gilmore | CB | $12,506,250 | $13,600,000 | $14,600,000 | $15,600,000 | UFA |
| Joe Thuney | G | $858,357 | $943,357 | UFA | – | – |
| Shaq Mason | G | $2,015,882 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Brandin Cooks | WR | $8,459,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Julian Edelman | WR | $4,166,666 | $4,666,668 | UFA | – | – |
| Chris Hogan | WR | $3,281,250 | UFA | – | – | – |
| James White | RB | $2,437,500 | $4,000,000 | $4,500,000 | UFA | – |
| Rob Gronkowski | TE | $10,906,250 | $12,000,000 | UFA | – | – |
| David Andrews | C | $1,650,000 | $2,800,000 | $3,800,000 | UFA | – |
| Marcus Cannon | RT | $5,768,750 | $7,550,000 | $7,750,000 | $6,260,000 | UFA |
| Devin McCourty | FS | $11,935,000 | $13,435,000 | UFA | – | – |
| Duron Harmon | SS | $3,500,000 | $4,500,000 | $5,500,000 | UFA | – |
| Malcom Brown | DT | $2,422,392 | – | UFA | – | – |
| Dont’a Hightower | OLB | $8,523,435 | $10,375,000 | $11,375,000 | UFA | – |
| Trey Flowers | DE | $2,044,733 | UFA | – | – | – |
They literally just played in the Super Bowl, so it’s not surprising that this list is pretty dang dense with talent. Stephon Gilmore is their best defender by far, and the rest is keeping Tom Brady’s offense around him as intact as possible. His LT (Solder) is a free agent, but the rest of the line returns, as does his three top wide receivers, a potential Hall of Fame tight end and the only remaining running back on the roster. Devin McCourty and Duron Harmon started the season disastrously but ended up playing well by the end of the year. That holds true with Brown and Flowers, as well. Hightower missed all of 2017, and should be back to anchor the middle of the defense.
The Leftovers:
The Patriots Way will not mean anything anymore to these players who escape the icy grip of Bill Belichick.
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Martellus Bennett | TE | $6,187,500 | $6,500,000 | UFA | – | – |
| Stephen Gostkowski | K | $5,000,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Dwayne Allen | TE | $5,000,000 | $7,400,000 | UFA | – | – |
| Alan Branch | DT | $4,550,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Patrick Chung | SS | $3,800,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Kyle Van Noy | ILB | $3,572,916 | $6,416,668 | UFA | – | – |
| Shea McClellin | OLB | $3,183,334 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Lawrence Guy | DE | $3,100,000 | $3,600,000 | $4,100,000 | UFA | – |
| David Harris | ILB | $2,750,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Mike Gillislee | RB | $2,181,250 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Ryan Allen | P | $2,000,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Phillip Dorsett | WR | $1,544,373 | – | UFA | – | – |
| Kenny Britt | WR | $1,468,750 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Jordan Richards | SS | $1,180,948 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Eric Rowe | CB | $1,100,435 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Cyrus Jones | CB | $1,092,737 | $1,274,860 | UFA | – | – |
| Brian Hoyer | QB | $915,000 | $3,050,000 | UFA | – | – |
| Vincent Valentine | DT | $806,355 | $896,355 | UFA | – | – |
| Derek Rivers | OLB | $783,724 | $880,724 | $974,724 | UFA | – |
| Antonio Garcia | T | $778,538 | $871,538 | $964,538 | UFA | – |
| Malcolm Mitchell | WR | $774,498 | a | UFA | – | – |
| Joe Cardona | LS | $730,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Geno Grissom | DE | $720,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| James Ferentz | C | $705,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Will Tye | TE | $705,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Deatrich Wise | DE | $698,970 | $788,970 | $878,973 | UFA | – |
| Elandon Roberts | ILB | $655,089 | $745,089 | UFA | – | – |
| Nicholas Grigsby | ILB | $645,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Jonathan Jones | CB | $633,334 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Trevor Reilly | OLB | $630,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Eric Lee | DE | $570,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Harvey Langi | ILB | $560,000 | $650,000 | RFA | – | – |
| Jacob Hollister | TE | $558,333 | $648,334 | RFA | – | – |
| Cole Croston | T | $557,000 | $647,000 | RFA | – | – |
| Adam Butler | DT | $556,666 | $646,668 | RFA | – | – |
| David Jones | CB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Ryan Lewis | CB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Damarius Travis | CB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Jomal Wiltz | CB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Jason King | T | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Cody Hollister | WR | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Riley McCarron | WR | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Keionta Davis | DE | $480,000 | $570,000 | RFA | – | – |
| Andrew Jelks | T | $480,000 | $570,000 | RFA | – | – |
