2018 Disaster Draft: The Miami Dolphins

The Miami Dolphins spent their 2017 season held hostage by the Don’t Care Bear with Jay Cutler after Ryan Tannehill went down with an ACL injury. They almost made the playoffs, but ultimately all that happened was the relentless march towards death took one massive leap forward for everyone involved. But that didn’t bother Jay Cutler, who was pulled from the FOX TV booth to do his Jay Cutler thing all over the place. He’s gone, but the icy grip of death has tightened its grasp on everyone else on the roster. Anyway, here’s the disaster draft for the Miami Dolphins.

Lost to Free Agency: Jacob Cutler, Koa Misi, Matt Moore, Jermon Bushrod, Jarvis Landry, Another Year Looking Up at Tom Brady

 

The No Doubters:

Player POS. 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022
Ndamukong Suh DT $26,100,000 $28,100,000 $22,375,000 UFA
Ryan Tannehill QB $19,800,000 $21,050,000 $19,522,000 UFA
Reshad Jones SS $11,575,000 $14,955,000 $13,425,000 $12,340,000 $12,000,000
Cameron Wake DE $8,625,000 UFA
DeVante Parker WR $3,460,718 UFA
Laremy Tunsil LT $3,397,541 $3,963,798 UFA
Kenyan Drake RB $910,315 $1,015,315 UFA

*ctrl-C* *ctrl-V* Ndamukong (nailed it) Suh and Ryan Tannehill have two vastly different skill levels, but they aren’t going anywhere. As Abraham Lincoln once said about Ryan Tannehill, “Print the shirts,” (of course, he was referring to the 2018 AFC East Division Participants shirts). The rest of the players are just strong players at their positions, but none of them are true superstars. Reshad Jones comes the closest, and Cam Wake once fit the bill (Abraham Lincoln’s quote about Ryan Tannehill was from Wake’s sophomore campaign). DeVante Parker should break out next year, and Kenyan Drake already did. [DELETED][Editor’s Note: you can’t just make endless weed puns about Laremy Tunsil, Jeff]

 

The More-Than-Likely Staying:

Player POS. 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022
Andre Branch DE $10,000,000 $9,000,000 UFA
Kenny Stills WR $9,750,000 $9,750,000 $8,750,000 UFA
Kiko Alonso OLB $9,662,500 $8,272,500 $8,162,500 UFA
Ja’Wuan James RT $9,341,000 UFA
Mike Pouncey C $9,000,000 $8,188,000 $9,000,000 UFA
T.J. McDonald FS $2,502,000 $6,002,000 $7,592,000 $6,962,000 UFA
Charles Harris DE $2,464,486 $2,957,383 $3,450,281 UFA
Bobby McCain CB $1,962,072 UFA
Leonte Carroo WR $825,097 $915,097 UFA

The Dolphins roster has a ton of “sure, why not?” guys on it when it comes to keeping them safe from a disaster draft. None of these guys had a particularly strong 2017 campaign, but the rules dictate sixteen players must be kept. Look, I didn’t make the rules. Okay, so I did. But the NFL made the rules that I used to make up the rules. So put this one at Roger Goodell’s feet. It’s his greatest failure. Except the Ray Rice stuff. And the Colin Kaepernick stuff. And all the weed stuff. Anyway, these guys are decent enough. Except Kiko Alonso, who tackled a bunch of dudes one year in Buffalo and has been chasing that reputation ever since. He’s not the worst on the list, though. That’s Leonte Carroo. Blame #fantasyfootball twitter for that one.

 

The Leftovers:

The classical lyricist, William Smith, once wrote, bienvenidos a Miamii. These guys are hoping to not say adiós a Miami. Yes, I took four years of Spanish in high school, thanks for noticing.

Player POS. 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022
Lawrence Timmons ILB $8,225,000 UFA
Julius Thomas TE $6,600,000 UFA
Ted Larsen G $1,941,666 $2,291,668 UFA
Francis Owusu CB $1,671,283 $1,949,831 UFA
Stephone Anthony OLB $1,489,326 UFA
Jordan Phillips DT $1,388,198 UFA
MarQueis Gray TE $1,075,000 UFA
Raekwon McMillan OLB $1,067,622 $1,281,147 $1,494,671 UFA
Cordrea Tankersley CB $759,572 $849,572 $925,572 UFA
Tony Lippett CB $758,691 UFA
A.J. Derby TE $705,000 UFA
Sean Hickey T $705,000 ERFA
Jakeem Grant WR $665,095 $755,096 UFA
Brandon Doughty QB $630,000 ERFA
Rashawn Scott WR $630,000 RFA
Senorise Perry RB $630,000 RFA
Jonathan Woodard DE $630,000 ERFA
Gabe Wright DT $630,000 RFA
Travez Calhoun S $630,000 ERFA
Tracy Howard CB $630,000 ERFA
Isaac Asiata G $620,198 $710,198 $800,198 UFA
Davon Godchaux DT $605,484 $695,484 $785,485 UFA
Vincent Taylor DT $593,603 $683,603 $773,604 UFA
Eric Smith T $558,333 $648,334 RFA
Chase Allen OLB $558,333 $648,334 RFA
Maurice Smith S $557,833 $647,834 RFA
Torry McTyer CB $557,500 $647,500 RFA
Matt Haack P $556,333 $646,334 RFA
Malcolm Lewis WR $555,000 ERFA
Drew Morgan WR $555,000 ERFA
Francis Owusu WR $555,000 ERFA
Brandon Radcliff RB $555,000 ERFA
De’Veon Smith RB $555,000 ERFA
Thomas Duarte TE $555,000 $645,000 RFA
Jesse Davis T $555,000 ERFA
Zach Sterup T $555,000 ERFA
Cameron Malveaux DE $555,000 ERFA
Trae Elston S $555,000 ERFA
Isaiah Ford WR $499,575 $664,575 $754,576 UFA

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