The Miami Dolphins spent their 2017 season held hostage by the Don’t Care Bear with Jay Cutler after Ryan Tannehill went down with an ACL injury. They almost made the playoffs, but ultimately all that happened was the relentless march towards death took one massive leap forward for everyone involved. But that didn’t bother Jay Cutler, who was pulled from the FOX TV booth to do his Jay Cutler thing all over the place. He’s gone, but the icy grip of death has tightened its grasp on everyone else on the roster. Anyway, here’s the disaster draft for the Miami Dolphins.
Lost to Free Agency: Jacob Cutler, Koa Misi, Matt Moore, Jermon Bushrod, Jarvis Landry, Another Year Looking Up at Tom Brady
The No Doubters:
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Ndamukong Suh | DT | $26,100,000 | $28,100,000 | $22,375,000 | UFA | – |
| Ryan Tannehill | QB | $19,800,000 | $21,050,000 | $19,522,000 | UFA | – |
| Reshad Jones | SS | $11,575,000 | $14,955,000 | $13,425,000 | $12,340,000 | $12,000,000 |
| Cameron Wake | DE | $8,625,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| DeVante Parker | WR | $3,460,718 | – | UFA | – | – |
| Laremy Tunsil | LT | $3,397,541 | $3,963,798 | – | UFA | – |
| Kenyan Drake | RB | $910,315 | $1,015,315 | UFA | – | – |
*ctrl-C* *ctrl-V* Ndamukong (nailed it) Suh and Ryan Tannehill have two vastly different skill levels, but they aren’t going anywhere. As Abraham Lincoln once said about Ryan Tannehill, “Print the shirts,” (of course, he was referring to the 2018 AFC East Division Participants shirts). The rest of the players are just strong players at their positions, but none of them are true superstars. Reshad Jones comes the closest, and Cam Wake once fit the bill (Abraham Lincoln’s quote about Ryan Tannehill was from Wake’s sophomore campaign). DeVante Parker should break out next year, and Kenyan Drake already did. [DELETED][Editor’s Note: you can’t just make endless weed puns about Laremy Tunsil, Jeff]
The More-Than-Likely Staying:
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Andre Branch | DE | $10,000,000 | $9,000,000 | UFA | – | – |
| Kenny Stills | WR | $9,750,000 | $9,750,000 | $8,750,000 | UFA | – |
| Kiko Alonso | OLB | $9,662,500 | $8,272,500 | $8,162,500 | UFA | – |
| Ja’Wuan James | RT | $9,341,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Mike Pouncey | C | $9,000,000 | $8,188,000 | $9,000,000 | UFA | – |
| T.J. McDonald | FS | $2,502,000 | $6,002,000 | $7,592,000 | $6,962,000 | UFA |
| Charles Harris | DE | $2,464,486 | $2,957,383 | $3,450,281 | – | UFA |
| Bobby McCain | CB | $1,962,072 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Leonte Carroo | WR | $825,097 | $915,097 | UFA | – | – |
The Dolphins roster has a ton of “sure, why not?” guys on it when it comes to keeping them safe from a disaster draft. None of these guys had a particularly strong 2017 campaign, but the rules dictate sixteen players must be kept. Look, I didn’t make the rules. Okay, so I did. But the NFL made the rules that I used to make up the rules. So put this one at Roger Goodell’s feet. It’s his greatest failure. Except the Ray Rice stuff. And the Colin Kaepernick stuff. And all the weed stuff. Anyway, these guys are decent enough. Except Kiko Alonso, who tackled a bunch of dudes one year in Buffalo and has been chasing that reputation ever since. He’s not the worst on the list, though. That’s Leonte Carroo. Blame #fantasyfootball twitter for that one.
The Leftovers:
The classical lyricist, William Smith, once wrote, bienvenidos a Miamii. These guys are hoping to not say adiós a Miami. Yes, I took four years of Spanish in high school, thanks for noticing.
| Player | POS. | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 |
| Lawrence Timmons | ILB | $8,225,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Julius Thomas | TE | $6,600,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Ted Larsen | G | $1,941,666 | $2,291,668 | UFA | – | – |
| Francis Owusu | CB | $1,671,283 | $1,949,831 | UFA | – | – |
| Stephone Anthony | OLB | $1,489,326 | – | UFA | – | – |
| Jordan Phillips | DT | $1,388,198 | UFA | – | – | – |
| MarQueis Gray | TE | $1,075,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Raekwon McMillan | OLB | $1,067,622 | $1,281,147 | $1,494,671 | UFA | – |
| Cordrea Tankersley | CB | $759,572 | $849,572 | $925,572 | UFA | – |
| Tony Lippett | CB | $758,691 | UFA | – | – | – |
| A.J. Derby | TE | $705,000 | UFA | – | – | – |
| Sean Hickey | T | $705,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Jakeem Grant | WR | $665,095 | $755,096 | UFA | – | – |
| Brandon Doughty | QB | $630,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Rashawn Scott | WR | $630,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Senorise Perry | RB | $630,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Jonathan Woodard | DE | $630,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Gabe Wright | DT | $630,000 | RFA | – | – | – |
| Travez Calhoun | S | $630,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Tracy Howard | CB | $630,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Isaac Asiata | G | $620,198 | $710,198 | $800,198 | UFA | – |
| Davon Godchaux | DT | $605,484 | $695,484 | $785,485 | UFA | – |
| Vincent Taylor | DT | $593,603 | $683,603 | $773,604 | UFA | – |
| Eric Smith | T | $558,333 | $648,334 | RFA | – | – |
| Chase Allen | OLB | $558,333 | $648,334 | RFA | – | – |
| Maurice Smith | S | $557,833 | $647,834 | RFA | – | – |
| Torry McTyer | CB | $557,500 | $647,500 | RFA | – | – |
| Matt Haack | P | $556,333 | $646,334 | RFA | – | – |
| Malcolm Lewis | WR | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Drew Morgan | WR | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Francis Owusu | WR | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Brandon Radcliff | RB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| De’Veon Smith | RB | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Thomas Duarte | TE | $555,000 | $645,000 | RFA | – | – |
| Jesse Davis | T | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Zach Sterup | T | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Cameron Malveaux | DE | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Trae Elston | S | $555,000 | ERFA | – | – | – |
| Isaiah Ford | WR | $499,575 | $664,575 | $754,576 | UFA | – |
