You already know who’s number one right now. The rest of us are fighting over scraps. The combined suckage that fills MetLife Stadium rivals even the strongest Dyson offering, and they do it without fans, either. Here are the week six power rankings.
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | 1 | Kansas City Chiefs | 25% of Alex Smith’s 300+ passing yard games have come this season… and he’s been around since 2005. |
| 2 | 4 | Green Bay Packers | Went to Jerry World and Aaron Rodgers did Aaron Rodgers stuff. |
| 3 | 2 | New England Patriots | Cleaned that all-time terrible defense up against Tampa Bay but still almost lost to the Bucs on Thursday Night Football. |
| 4 | 3 | Atlanta Falcons | Early one mornin’ the sun was shinin’. I was layin’ in bed. |
| 5 | 6 | Philadelphia Eagles | Fly Eagles Fly. Considered putting them #1 for their amazing home run celebration alone. |
| 6 | 5 | Detroit Lions | Might have lost on Sunday solely because their defense could not tackle 125 year old Ed Dickson. |
| 7 | 11 | Carolina Panthers | Cam’s back, baby. The defense never left. |
| 8 | 9 | Denver Broncos | Wonderin’ if she’d changed at all, if her hair was still red. |
| 9 | 12 | Seattle Seahawks | They have so many running backs they’re going to start converting them to offensive line. Notice my restraint on the obvious Eddie Lacy joke. |
| 10 | 8 | Buffalo Bills | Beat the Falcons, lose to the Bengals. Would you drop me in the rankings for inconsistency? I’d drop me in the rankings for inconsistency. |
| 11 | 10 | Los Angeles Rams | They’re right there on the verge. Right there. They would have stayed in the top ten if they targeted Sammy Watkins or if Cooper Kupp could catch. |
| 12 | 7 | Pittsburgh Steelers | PITTSBURGH, YOUR QUARTERBACK, WOOF! |
| 13 | 15 | Dallas Cowboys | Dak Prescott is exceeding all expectations, but the predictable annual multiweek injury for Sean Lee is costing them big time. |
| 14 | 26 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Holy mother of God, Jaguars. They’re an OT loss away from being 4-1 and have held three teams to fewer than ten points this season. |
| 15 | 16 | Washington Redskins | Her folks they said our lives together, sure was gonna be tough. |
| 16 | 21 | Cincinnati Bengals | They’re 2-1 since elevating Bill Lazor to OC. Still not great, but still tied for first in the AFC North. |
| 17 | 17 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Jameis showed he’s not at the next level yet. The defense was battered to hell and back and still somewhat stymied Tom Brady. Might not make it lower than 18 or higher than 14 all year. |
| 18 | 18 | Minnesota Vikings | Eked one out against the Bears, and we saw Sam Bradford return to Sam Bradfordness and back to the bench for Case freaking Keenum. |
| 19 | 19 | New Orleans Saints | They never did like mama’s homemade dress. Papa’s bank book wasn’t big enough. |
| 20 | 13 | Oakland Raiders | No Carr means no wins. Amari Cooper can’t get open for some reason. |
| 21 | 14 | Tennessee Titans | They better hope that Marcus Mariota is chugging the newest non-discoverable HGH-steroid hybrid to get back on the field because Cassel-Weeden. Holy moly. |
| 22 | 20 | Houston Texans | Lost J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus for the season at the exact moment we started to take Deshaun Watson seriously. Can they turn into a high-flying offensive juggernaut? |
| 23 | 22 | Baltimore Ravens | The Ravens are the biggest 3-2 paper tigers in the NFL. Beat the Browns, the pre-Lazor Bengals and the Carr-less Raiders. |
| 24 | 23 | Arizona Cardinals | Absolutely destroyed by the Eagles. Beating the Niners and Colts are dead cat bounces. Carson Palmer is old, injury prone, and taking way too many hits. Also CJ2k is their RB1. In 2017. |
| 25 | 27 | Los Angeles Chargers | Went cross-country and slayed the Giants. Literally. They’re all dead. Every last one. |
| 26 | 25 | New York Jets | You don’t get credit for beating the Browns while further muddling your running back situation. |
| 27 | 30 | Chicago Bears | Put up a big fight against the Vikings. Trubisky has a future in this league but he’s not quite there yet. There’s enough here to move them up with a loss, though. |
| 28 | 28 | Indianapolis Colts | Had to go to OT to beat one of the worst teams in the league, at home. Prediction: they’re 2-6 on Halloween and they shut Luck down for the year. |
| 29 | 29 | San Francisco 49ers | Cracks are starting to form after they benched NaVorro Bowman & Carlos Hyde mid-game. Would be 4-1 with a halfway competent QB; they’ve lost two-straight OT games and their last four by three points or fewer |
| 30 | 24 | New York Giants | Entire receiving corps is dead and they STILL don’t have an offensive line, running game or halfway decent quarterback. Also, more like receiving corpse. |
| 31 | 31 | Miami Dolphins | The team has become the embodiment of their quarterback: they don’t care. |
| 32 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | When you have two quarterbacks, you have none. When you have two sacks in your NFL debut, like Myles Garrett did, you’re good. |
